Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Standing Behind Me

I just had a bad weekend. Maybe the worst weekend. Certainly the worst weekend in my adult life. There was nothing external that was bad, but my dark and damning stories about who I am and my place in the world got the better of me. 
About a month ago my partner rescued a dog. His owner had died and the dog was having trouble adapting to his new life. He did not like riding in the car. It is possible the only times he had been in the car was to go to the vet or to be taken some somewhere and abandoned to new caregivers. Krista and I were those new caregivers. This past Saturday Krista and I were driving in the car and this dog was sitting behind me. 
At an acute point in my spin cycle of darkness this rescue dog started barking in my ear. He had never barked at me before. As I came back to myself he started licking my face. The spell was not broken, only interrupted. As I slid back off my wagon of sanity the dog started to whine. Such was my darkness that I did not attribute his actions to love but rather a fear of being left yet again. 
To avoid another round of barking I tried to imagine people behind me who loved me and wanted for my happiness. David Latimer, my first mentor was there as he often was in during the darkness of my youth. Other people started filling in, friends, family, and then to my astonishment, my subconscious placed my mother the circle of people trying to help me. 
I know my mother loves me. And it has been tricky. I don't have a memory of feeling safe accepting her support. I have wanted to feel good about having her in my corner all my life. I have longed for her and cried over her countless times. This moment in the car with a dog barking was the first time I have chosen her to support me emotionally. I was still in a very rough patch of the soul but I was crying with gratitude that I could finally feel safe with her love. I did not think it would happen in this lifetime. 
Thank you. I don't think everything is right as rain now. I am not ready for prime time with my mother in the real world. I am deeply happy that my fear has receded enough and my heart has opened enough to let her love into my soul. As for my spin cycle of darkness, I have come back. It was not easy, but Krista stood by me. I feel a robust strength and a vast capacity. 
Thank you whatever gods may be. 
Thank you.

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