I used to have a manila folder I called my feel good file. I would fill it with touching notes, letters, and papers that had really flattering comments on it. At some point I misplaced my folder. This blog is the result. This is really just for me on a bad day, but if you are not me and you are reading this, then you are welcome here.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
The Other Side
It has been a big year. My marriage ended. My father died. And I saw a new baby enter the world. I still have a lot of anger about my marriage. The last year we were together was so hard. And yet I feel that nothing was left unsaid and that we never stopped loving each other regardless of all the other feelings that were flooding our relationship. My father's passing was really intense. Right after it happened I thought that it was as good as it could be. He chose the moment of his passing and was surrounded by his family in the comfort of his own home. There was nothing either of us wanted from each other that we did not get before he left. He expressed genuine love for me and pride for who I had become. And I could not be more inspired by his efforts to live and die like a Buddha. And yet, there is no escape for grief. Not for my father nor for Annie.
And then there is the baby. It is no consolation and does not diminish the loss but it is still beautiful. I am grateful be a part of such a beginning. It was just me and the mother alone in a room until he started to crown. Then came the doctors and the father and the two year old sister. The mother was amazing. She transcended the sensation into something more beautiful than pain. My contributions were support, hot running water (hospital plumbing hack) and sacral stabilization. Also I was able to hold him while the nurses were doing really unpleasant things to him.
Three days later I was massaging the mother and Elvin would not rest with out being held. My massage practice uses one hand almost exclusively as a mother hand and the other as the working hand. Because of this I was able to give my regular full body bone crushing massage with one arm while holding Elvin to my chest with the other. He did not fuss for over an hour even though I was working hard. I credit all the songs my parents taught me vibrating through my chest and into his little frame. His favorite was "Out on the Myra". My client and now something more for all of this, did not miss the mother hand knowing it was mothering her baby. It was such a dear experience for me. It may well be my one and only ever one armed singing massage. It all flowed so beautifully. I felt like a king of massage for my part and humbled to be a part of it at the same time. The picture below is several weeks later, again in my arm in the same room.
I am so grateful for this kind bountiful world and for all the people who are so generous in sharing their lives with me. Thank you.
A thousand times, thank you.