Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Unconditional

I feel an over whelming sadness.  It has been two months now that my father has been gone.  Three days ago I admitted to myself that I miss him.  What I used to call Annie's room is 22 feet long.  It is chocked with things, unusable except as a passage way from one end of the house to the other.  Just last week I came to understand I have kept this room unusable so that I don't have to feel her absence.
There are a lot feelings in my buffer, waiting to come though.  It seems like it could be a while before it clears.  Maybe it will be a while before it stops getting worse.  That being said, my life is going really well.  I love my work.  I think it will sustain me in spite of myself.  I have a therapist.  I have a sponsor.  I have several people who give me unconditional positive regard.   I'm told this is uncommon.  It feels good.
I love you John.




2 comments:

Anonymous said...

why did annie leave your life?

a name said...

Hi Anonymous,
Annie and I separated for a number of reasons. The root of the reason for me was my codependency and not feeling safe to share how I was feeling during a very hard time. The hard time passed but I never felt again like we were on the same team as equals. By the time I was aware of what was happening Annie had been reacting to my reaction for a year and the discord was unbearable for me. I take full responsibility but really I did not know any better. I thought I was doing all the right and noble things at the time.