Friday, October 22, 2010

Unbearable Hunger

I have it again.  That unnameable wanting.  An all consuming hunger.  I feel like a trapped animal trying to claw its way out of my skin.  I try to exorcise it.  I try to sedate it.  I want to sleep it into oblivion, feed it into submission.  
It never goes away.  I can tame it for an hour or two, but then I stand up or wash my hands and here it is again.  It is not even a carnal desire.  It is just wanting.  There is only so much chocolate I can eat when it is not what I need.  
When I was in high school I had a friend who was down.  I took her and walked her up a mountain, cool bracing air, exercise, friendship and understanding.  I want someone to come drag me up off of my duff and march me up a mountain.  I don't really think that is the answer.  I doubt it helped when I was in high school either.  I want to control.  I want to make it better.  
I feel broken, ruined.  I had a three hour Thai massage this morning, from a strong gifted man who loves.  As he was soaking, washing, and scrubbing my feet I could hardly even feel what was happening.  He played a meditative instruction for me.  It helped a lot.  Thoughts come and go like bubbles rising out of boiling water.  This is how life is.  Life is indiscriminate and changing.  If we embrace life as it happens and let go as it passes we will find bliss.  If we are selective of only some thoughts, and refuse to let them go we will create stories of either greed or fear.  These stories give us the illusion of control over our lives but ultimately they lead to suffering.  I am suffering.  
It does not have to feel good.  Even if it did feel good, it would change.  Everything does.  Let go and enjoy the ride.

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