Monday, July 05, 2010

Proud


This is a picture of me and my father.  He is 76 years old now.  When I was born he was so happy he tells me it was the best day of his life.  When I was growing up I felt like I was a tremendous disappointment to him.  My reaction to his disappointment was so burdensome for me that I threatened to completely walk away unless he could find a way to love and accept me as I was.  This was not an easy thing I asked of him but he did it.  When I was 19 years old my father swallowed his judgment to keep his son.
My life was not and has not been on a path that has any relationship to my father's values, hopes or dreams for me.  I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for him, wanting only the best for me and feeling like I was missing the boat entirely.  Now at the other end of his life my father's values have changed.  He has let go of his cynical, critical paradigm and set his sights on serenity and happiness.  He is now genuinely proud of me.  I have loved this man all my life.  I have never wanted him to be proud of me, but to simply love me.  He does love me.  And I am happy for him that he finally gets to be proud of his son.
It is true what they say.  If you let go of the reins, the horse will bring you home.
Thank you Dad, for letting go.  I love you.

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