Ashes

This picture is of my family scattering my father's ashes in the ocean.  I love my family. They were and are a blessing and a boon in my life. There is an exception to that statement. At this last gathering my grief for my father was swallowed in the shadow of my mother's anger. My mother is sick and does not want to be well.  Her sickness is the catalyst for a great deal of suffering in my life.  I learned some thing new about my mother on this trip, that the best day of her life was what I would have thought was the worst day of her life.  That pain and suffering is how she feels alive.  It is my understanding that she seeks pain and suffering in her interactions with me because that is what feeds her.  

The feel good in all of this is that by understanding what she really wants I can predict how my mother's intentions toward me will unfold.  I no longer have to struggle hoping to resolve some misunderstanding, or to help my mother overcome what she clearly does not want to overcome.  I am free to let her be as she is, and to live my life without her burden.

It was rough this last trip, but I did what I set out to do.  I honored my father and connected with my family.

Thank you.

The Other Side

It has been a big year. My marriage ended. My father died. And I saw a new baby enter the world. I still have a lot of anger about my marriage. The last year we were together was so hard. And yet I feel that nothing was left unsaid and that we never stopped loving each other regardless of all the other feelings that were flooding our relationship. My father's passing was really intense. Right after it happened I thought that it was as good as it could be. He chose the moment of his passing and was surrounded by his family in the comfort of his own home. There was nothing either of us wanted from each other that we did not get before he left. He expressed genuine love for me and pride for who I had become. And I could not be more inspired by his efforts to live and die like a Buddha. And yet, there is no escape for grief. Not for my father nor for Annie.

And then there is the baby. It is no consolation and does not diminish the loss but it is still beautiful. I am grateful be a part of such a beginning. It was just me and the mother alone in a room until he started to crown. Then came the doctors and the father and the two year old sister. The mother was amazing. She transcended the sensation into something more beautiful than pain. My contributions were support, hot running water (hospital plumbing hack) and sacral stabilization. Also I was able to hold him while the nurses were doing really unpleasant things to him.

Three days later I was massaging the mother and Elvin would not rest with out being held. My massage practice uses one hand almost exclusively as a mother hand and the other as the working hand. Because of this I was able to give my regular full body bone crushing massage with one arm while holding Elvin to my chest with the other. He did not fuss for over an hour even though I was working hard. I credit all the songs my parents taught me vibrating through my chest and into his little frame. His favorite was "Out on the Myra".  My client and now something more for all of this, did not miss the mother hand knowing it was mothering her baby. It was such a dear experience for me. It may well be my one and only ever one armed singing massage. It all flowed so beautifully. I felt like a king of massage for my part and humbled to be a part of it at the same time. The picture below is several weeks later, again in my arm in the same room.

I am so grateful for this kind bountiful world and for all the people who are so generous in sharing their lives with me. Thank you.
A thousand times, thank you.

Island Song

The picture below is of two of my nephews, Tommy and Lee.  Lee, the one with the bow-tie, recorded this song last Friday.
Island-Mainland Song
It is dear to me.

Thank you Lee.

Unconditional

I feel an over whelming sadness.  It has been two months now that my father has been gone.  Three days ago I admitted to myself that I miss him.  What I used to call Annie's room is 22 feet long.  It is chocked with things, unusable except as a passage way from one end of the house to the other.  Just last week I came to understand I have kept this room unusable so that I don't have to feel her absence.
There are a lot feelings in my buffer, waiting to come though.  It seems like it could be a while before it clears.  Maybe it will be a while before it stops getting worse.  That being said, my life is going really well.  I love my work.  I think it will sustain me in spite of myself.  I have a therapist.  I have a sponsor.  I have several people who give me unconditional positive regard.   I'm told this is uncommon.  It feels good.
I love you John.

Skinning Me Alive

Today in therapy I was given a guided visualization.  I asked for it.  My therapist didn't want to do it, calling it "ooga booga" (witch doctor reference?).  It was something he used to do a long time ago and didn't do anymore.  He went down a few different roads first before he relented.  

He had me move my awareness through my body and ground my root to the core of the earth.  He put me in the woods of an earlier time and had me come to a castle with a mote, a closed draw bridge and guards in front.  He asked me visualize getting inside the castle.  There was more to the story but it is this point I want to talk about.

My first inclination was to sneak into the castle, or to enter by some wizard/superpower mechanism.  This speaks of my fear of authority, need to be exceptional, and the demigod like fantasies of my child hood.  I took a moment to try a different way.  I simply walked up to the castle and announced myself.  The exercise of entering on my own merits as just a person, was emotionally painful.  Some where along the way I learned that I was not good enough.  That I was not welcome.  The possibility of being accepted bypassed so many defenses that I felt vulnerable.  It was more scary than imagining fighting through all of the guards and swimming through the mote and up a secret sewage spillway.  I don't want to spend my life, not even a pretend life making things hard for myself.  Being direct and honest may not give me what I want, but sneaking around or relying on my exceptional "super powers" has not really been working out either.  

I am considering a different sort of life, one that does not require the armor of my grandiosity.

There is so much in this life that I can not control.  I have tried so hard to control people's reactions, manufacture acceptance, sneak past their own defenses just so I would feel safe.  The reality is that I can handle rejection.  That someone, that some group, or some institution might not accept me, has become less fearful.  I now have the choice to walk in the sunlight, up to the gates of another's castle/personal-sovereignty and conduct my life as if I have a right to live.  That it is ok to win and it is ok to fail.  I'm scared and sad and just can not get out of my big heavy rhino hide fast enough.  I have some very good hands that are skinning me alive, and I could not be more grateful.  Thank god for healers and therapists.  

Thank you.  

Thursday

It is Thursday.  I am grateful.  I have a warm, secure, dry place to sleep at night.  I am never hungry unless I chose to be.  Most of the time I take it for granted.  Some times, like right now, it strikes me deeply, how good this feels.  Did I mention I have hot water on tap?  

Chart

I don't like astrology.  It's not that I don't believe in it.  I do and that's a problem.  I feel like it can become a self fulfilling prophecy dictating my future in a way that I might not have encountered otherwise.  If it is going to happen anyway I would rather come to my life as it happens and not before.  That being said I would love a warning or a heads up if problems were heading my way.  But that's the rub.  I suspect the warning will direct me to the problems in the first place.  I acknowledge astrology is a great thing for a lot of people.  It just makes me a little uncomfortable when applied to my own life.
Some where along the way a friend had one done for me and shared a small part of it. I don't think it will ruin my life.  I think it belongs in the feel good file.


A love for all things and all people that borders on the divine.
Your chart is perfectly aspected for the work you're doing.
You have a tremendous gift for healing people.


Thank you.

Giving

When I was seventeen I had a VW buss.  The windshield was big and flat.  I took a dry erase marker and wrote the following all over the passenger side of the windshield.   Because of condensation I had to rewrite it a few times through the winter.


There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.


It is Kahlil Gibran from his writing on giving.  I heard it first  in Sunday school when the Patriarch happened to once be my substitute teacher.  I at once embraced the idea that giving should be simply a function of life.  I believe that living with such an idea has granted me more peace and happiness than I would have found if peace and happiness were my goal.  
Unfortunately I also embraced the idea that life was all about giving.  I am afraid I found more suffering for myself and others because of it.  
Now I accept that I am not aways a fragrant myrtle tree , nor should I try to be.  Some days I am a stink weed.  It is a realization and an honesty that I struggle to implement in my life.  It is better when I do.
Thank you for the lesson.  
Below is a picture of me next to the Patriarch.

Unbearable Hunger

I have it again.  That unnameable wanting.  An all consuming hunger.  I feel like a trapped animal trying to claw its way out of my skin.  I try to exorcise it.  I try to sedate it.  I want to sleep it into oblivion, feed it into submission.  

It never goes away.  I can tame it for an hour or two, but then I stand up or wash my hands and here it is again.  It is not even a carnal desire.  It is just wanting.  There is only so much chocolate I can eat when it is not what I need.  

When I was in high school I had a friend who was down.  I took her and walked her up a mountain, cool bracing air, exercise, friendship and understanding.  I want someone to come drag me up off of my duff and march me up a mountain.  I don't really think that is the answer.  I doubt it helped when I was in high school either.  I want to control.  I want to make it better.  

I feel broken, ruined.  I had a three hour Thai massage this morning, from a strong gifted man who loves.  As he was soaking, washing, and scrubbing my feet I could hardly even feel what was happening.  He played a meditative instruction for me.  It helped a lot.  Thoughts come and go like bubbles rising out of boiling water.  This is how life is.  Life is indiscriminate and changing.  If we embrace life as it happens and let go as it passes we will find bliss.  If we are selective of only some thoughts, and refuse to let them go we will create stories of either greed or fear.  These stories give us the illusion of control over our lives but ultimately they lead to suffering.  I am suffering.  

It does not have to feel good.  Even if it did feel good, it would change.  Everything does.  Let go and enjoy the ride.

Skipper John

I'm bragging again.  This is a picture of my wife Annie at the helm, and my friend  Elizabeth working the main.  I'm the skipper.  I get to sit back and tell every one what to do.  It's kind of fantastic.  All I have to do is make sure everyone has fun and no one gets hurt.  I'm also supposed to help others get more experience so that they will be able to advance to skipper quickly.

This spring I took a basic sailing class.  It was two half days on the water in a 27 foot Soling and several hours of classroom time.  I read the book basic keelboat  twice including the glossary and mastered all the knots listed in it.  I passed the class as I expected.  What surprised me was passing the skipper test.  I had never tacked a boat in my life outside of my beginners class and my skipper test.   I'm told passing with this little experience is exceptional.

This is kind of great for my ego.  The idea that I can learn so much out of a book makes me feel as if anything is possible.  Of course I acknowledge the importance of experience and was very careful to start out slowly, in good weather and to do a lot of drills.  I would and still sometimes do carry around a short line to practice knots with.  I've gotten to where can tie a bowline with my eyes closed, behind my back, with just my non-dominant hand.  Teaching others how to glide two thousand pounds of fiberglass through the water and the wind is fun.  I am also finding some truth to saying "teaching is the surest way to mastery".  

I still have a long way to go, but already I have been out in weather so strong that I had to bail a little while underway.  Usually it is peaceful enough and the view of the city is so much better on the water than from the bottom of it's concrete canyons.  

It is a good life.  Thank you.

In the Oven

When I was twenty two years old I was just finishing my mission.  I was toast.  It was month twenty one.  I had invested my heart and soul, hook line and sinker and been burned to the ground.  Every morning I got up and fought the good fight.  It was unlike normal american life in almost every way.  Part of the next 3 months was that I was trapped, every hour of every day with a 19 year old man I will call Elder W.  It was hard.
I served in a mission were there was a lot of wrestling.  Half of the people who read this will believe it was all homo erotic.  All I can say is that I know how it sounds, but if you had been there, you wouldn't think that.  If you went into all the apartments where Elders lived, you would find that one in three would have some drywall and a bucket of spackle in a back room somewhere.  The reason for this is that one missionary in the act of wrestling had pushed another through a wall and they had to repair it.  The supplies were still there because it was likely that it would happen again.
I wrestled with most of my companions.  One of them broke my nose when he hit my head from behind with his forearm and smashed my face into the floor.  But that was the exception.  Most often there was no anger involved, it was just a way to blow off steam from the constant and relentless rejection we faced every day.  Like I said, it was hard.  But with Elder W. it was different.  We wrestled every single day.  I bested him every single day.  There were some good moments, singing in the car on long drives was one of my favorites.  There were bad moments.  I remember W being so livid with anger and unwilling to talk about it.  I wanted him to admit he was angry.  He was having none of it.  My thinking was, we can not go out there and try to represent the divinity filled with range.  That's not ok.  So I figured we needed to work it out, come hell or high water before we left the apartment.  Well, both came.  It was the only time when we were not, both of us agreeing to wrestle.
Now that I think about it I am ashamed.  At the time it was the absolute dig deep best I could do.  It was the best he could do too.  That's the funny thing.  We were both trying so very very hard to be so very very good.
I mention the bad because that is what makes what I'm about to tell you exceptional.  Every night, before we got into out beds, one on each side of the room, we would kneel and pray together.  And then we would hug each other.  Every night.  Even when we were filled with hate.  The hate wasn't that often but I have never gotten over that we hugged anyway.  And it was honest.  We were not pretending we were not angry, but we were not acting as if anger was mutually exclusive with anything good.  In spite of everything we both were committed completely to trying to be good.
I have never experienced anything quite like that in my life, before or since.  I don't doubt that I am responsible for the scarcity (though I am approximating some exceptions).  There was a lot that was wrong about the situation, about the way I interacted with others, but the commitment thing felt right.  Thank you my friend.  God bless you.

Proud

This is a picture of me and my father.  He is 76 years old now.  When I was born he was so happy he tells me it was the best day of his life.  When I was growing up I felt like I was a tremendous disappointment to him.  My reaction to his disappointment was so burdensome for me that I threatened to completely walk away unless he could find a way to love and accept me as I was.  This was not an easy thing I asked of him but he did it.  When I was 19 years old my father swallowed his judgment to keep his son.
My life was not and has not been on a path that has any relationship to my father's values, hopes or dreams for me.  I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for him, wanting only the best for me and feeling like I was missing the boat entirely.  Now at the other end of his life my fathers values have changed.  He has let go of his cynical, critical paradigm and set his sights on serenity and happiness.  He is now genuinely proud of me.  I have loved this man all my life.  I have never wanted him to be proud of me, but to simply love me.  He does love me.  And I am happy for him that he finally gets to be proud of his son.
It is true what they say.  If you let go of the reins, the horse will bring you home.
Thank you Dad, for letting go.  I love you.

Crossed the Line

My work is changing.  It has been changing for a long time but I feel like it has finally become, sometimes, something completely different.  When I went to massage school we were taught to work on everything.  If there was an injury we would focus more on one part but it would still be a full body massage.

The other day a client got off the table and cried into my chest, saying that she had been wanting this for her shoulder for so long.  She was happy and grateful and I am guessing revealed on a scale beyond my understanding.  I told my father about this and he asked for some of whatever she had.  I asked what he would like and he said he had leg pain now for 8 years.  It started out as an intermittent annoyance but now it hurt just to stand. I spent two hours working on just one muscle, the one where people normally feel shin splints, Tibialis Anterior.  He stood up and the pain was gone.  Two weeks later and the pain is still gone.  Eight years of pain, because he did not know that this kind of work was possible.  To be fair I didn't either.  This is the line I have crossed, where I can spend two hours on a single muscle.  

More recently a woman came in with neck pain.  It was so bad that she could not sleep at night.  After several minuets I was able to tell her we could fix the problem.  She could feel it moving in the right direction and was so grateful.  I spent the first twenty minutes working an area smaller than a square inch.  I have never been in so much pain that I could not sleep for more than one night.  I can't imagine what that suffering must be like, but if the intensity of the gratitude at relief is any indication I hope to never experience it.  She had for years gone to doctors, chiropractors, acupuncturists, and physical therapists, and never before had anyone told her it could get better.  

It's not rocket science.  There is a tight muscle.  I rub it. It softens.  The pain goes away.  Why did I not figure this out ten years ago?  My best guess is that I lacked the physical strength necessary to take as long as I need and the confidence to let go of the rest of the body.  

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things out there that I can't help with, and more often than not pain is not removed with a single magic moment.  But something has changed and it is a good thing.  

I still give full body massages the majority of the time.  There is something wonderful about wringing out every single muscle in the body.  It's my first choice if there is not something terribly wrong.  But now I have more options for when people are desperate.  

All of the external validation and gratitude aside, I really really love my job.  It is such a good thing and I am so lucky to be a part of it.  Thank you.

Eight Hands

Alright this sounds cheesy.  There is no way around it.  And yet, in the moment it was rich and full and I want to remember it.  Here it is.  The other day a mother was on my table.  She was so tight that her baby was hiking her shoulders sympathetically.  A baby with tight shoulders is so wrong.  I will call the mother Shannon.  The baby girl was crying and ended up breast feeding during the massage.  Shannon's sister was there to make sure the baby did not fall off.  My fingers were deep in Sharon's armpit between the ribs and the shoulder blade working on a very tight and sensitive medial rotator.  The experience was painful but in a way peaceful because it was needed so profoundly.  The baby's mouth and hands where on her mother.  Shannon's hands were on the baby.  The sister's hands were on the baby and the mother.  That's eight hands all together in a pile of intense and attentive support and love.  I drew Shanon's attention to this and we both agreed it was beautiful.  My work is most often beautiful  but this was exceptional.  Thank you. I love this world.

Only Love

When I was growing up I was awkward.  I was athletically, socially, and scholastically challenged.  I was told that everyone is good at something.  The only thing I seemed to be good at was loving.  I loved deeply and universally, with out judgment or reservation.  Most people, especially people who valued power, success, stability, or even utility were not impressed.  I felt like my only virtue, my only asset in life was as useful as a dandelion puff. I felt lost and alone a lot of the time.  It is little wonder that when presented with affirmations I have held onto them and cherished them like gems.
Over the past decades I have collected some beautiful praise for the life I am trying to live.  This week something really good came in the mail.  I have not heard from or seen Aaron for 14 years.  When I was 21 we lived together for a few months.  When I say lived together I mean we worked, ate, slept (in the same room, not the same bed).  We were in each others literal line of sight all day every day with the sole exception being the use of a bathroom.  We did not know each other or chose to live together.  Our work was rife with rejection and frustration.  There was no space or time to hide, retreat or recover.  This man saw me at my best and worst.  I am enormously grateful to Aaron for being a friend in that crazy and sometimes beautiful situation, and for this letter.

John, ... I wanted to let you know when I first emailed you how much serving with you meant to me.  It is really rare to meet such a good hearted person.  I hope you never lose your awesome capacity for compassion.  I have thought about you a number of times since our mission, on most occasions it was when I needed a boost to my own humanity.  I am really glad I had the chance to meet you.  
Aaron

Thank you.

Second Time

Recently I was taking pictures of a man I greatly admire.  I will call him Will for the sake of anonymity.  Will is, as he likes to say is of a certain age.  I have always thought of Will as a buddha.  He is genuine and serene.  He is interested, engaging and invested in this life and the people around him.  When he hears of the internal suffering of others he smiles encouragingly and will often say "Isn't that interesting how we do that."  He has a way of acceptance and love that is gentle and light but at the same time is freeing and profound.
Will has apparently not always been a buddha.  He has suffered in unspeakable ways from the day of his birth.  The suffering before his memory was explained to him by his parents who were also responsible for it.  I have heard of people who feel like they were raised by wolves.  Will's parents make the wolves seem like Mother Teresa.  To this day his mind still goes to a place of disgust when he sees his picture.  And so it was a huge boon to me that Will let me photograph him.  Will and I have sat and looked at these pictures for several hours on different occasions.  We talk about what we see in the face of my friend.  I found tears flowing down my face as I tried to convey what I saw and how it made me feel.  Will held the same kindness in his voice as he talked about what he saw but it was both sad and brave and powerfully beautiful.  His face was no less dry than mine.
During the afternoon when I was photographing Will I said "Will, you are a beautiful man."  His response was surprising and beautifully honest.  He told me that this was only the second time in his life that anyone had told him that he was beautiful.  He said the first time was when he was 20 and he thought that was about something different than what I was talking about.  He told me how surprised he was at how it made him feel, how he had not realized how much he had been wanting to hear those words.  It makes me cry to think of that moment.
I happen to know many people who know Will.  We all talk about him.  Just tonight a man who has an office down the hall from me told me that last night Will was in his dream.  Everyone I know who knows Will thinks he is an amazing, wonderful, beautiful man.  I had of course told Will how everyone felt about him, and then encouraged people to tell Will just exactly what they thought of him.  Life is too short to be ignorant of the love others have for us.
This is in a way a sad story.  I can not go back in time and protect or love Will.  We can never change the past.  I am sure every one around Will assumed that he was confident in his beauty.  It seems to me such a loss that someone who had suffered so much was unaware of the succor around him.  The good in this story is powerful for me.  I have come to know my buddha like friend so much better.  I am more aware of what I take for granted.  I feel more free and braver in telling the truth of any beauty or kindness I see in others. 
Thank you Will.  I love you.

Our Wedding Vows

The night before our wedding I asked Annie why she loved me and how she showed her love for me. Hours before the ceremony I distilled it into this. We both read it as we exchanged rings. People have asked me if it is different being married. My response is that you have to be essentially married before the ceremony or you wouldn't be getting married. I really like that our vows came not from what we wanted in our future but from how we have lived and loved each other up to now. Thank you Annie.

I love you because you are tender and kind

Because you console me when I am sad and celebrate in my happiness

I love you because you do not take me for granted

And always try to love me better

I promise to support you in your endeavors

To place our love before my ego

And to always remember how rare and precious you are.

I love you

Best Yet

OK this is going to sound a lot like bragging. That's because it is. I just had the best job interview this morning. I went in wearing what I wear every day. The receptionist was fantastic in every way and gave me a free sandwich before I left some five hours later. The office was beautiful, inviting, professional and felt open and expansive. The rooms were big enough for my long legs and that is saying a lot. The hot stones were better than my own. The manager was great. She was talking about her elite staff and when she mentioned a particular name and I said "Oh, I've worked on her. In fact she video taped me giving her a massage." I got some amused eyebrows and a little laughter and had to add, "...because she wanted to learn some of the moves I use." I knew I was being an arrogant ass but they were very impressed and that was what I wanted. I gave the manager two hours of hot stone massage for the interview. She did not ask for two hours but said I could take as much time as I wanted. I wanted. I was having fun doing what ever I wanted instead of what I thought an interview massage should be. I told jokes, made mistakes, flaunted my musculo-skeletal vocabulary, and even laughed at her maniacally. She insisted I work on the owner as well and I worked on him for over an hour in a very different way. I was all business sticking just to the upper thorax and using the heat of stones to soften rather than to indulge. He told me right away that I must love what I do. He told me he was going to make me into a super star. I told him I already was one. He told me just how sweet he would make it for me. The manager sat down and told me they only want to work with happy people. That her goal was to keep everyone happy. When an appointment hit the book she would call me and ask me if I wanted it. She kept telling me that I could say no and that she would reschedule. She said if at any point I can make more money outside the office that she expected me to take that appointment first. She said they not only want everyone to be happy because it's good for the clients, but also because that is how they get and keep the best massage therapists. That, and they pay better than Google. I had once considered massaging for Google because they payed their therapists so well but didn't want to be tied down to a corporate schedule. The manager said my work provided something that was missing in the office. She apologised for saying the word sensual but that it was a good thing along with a lot of other really nice a flattering adjectives. Hearing that in a clinical (take health insurance) setting made me feel really good. She made it very clear that she wanted me to work there. There was a lot of talking almost out of my hearing that I took to be about me and to be very favorable. And then I met the other male therapist and was immediately intimidated by his stature and humbled by his generosity of spirit. I am really looking forward to working at this place. If for some reason it doesn't work out it was still such a huge boon to my ego that I would have a hard time being disappointed. I have just felt respected and wanted in ways I would have never considered asking for. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Takes My Breath Away

Annie in Brooklyn

Annie at the Hudson

Annie at the Park

Annie in Amherst

Annie on St John US Virgin Islands

A few months ago I put a ring on this lady's finger. In a few weeks we will get married. I adore her. I really like looking at pictures of her. Annie is a special human. I know I can't be objective but all of her friends say so too. Some other time I will try to put it into words. I can tell you now that I feel very lucky to have her in my life.

All my life I have not been completely present with people around me. I would hold back and try to control those around me out of a fear of abandonment. There is a lot that I missed in life because I was too worried about the future to fully enjoy the present. With Annie it is easy to stay present because we demand it of each other. We communicate with real-time-honesty. I never thought I would be able to do that with anyone.

There is plenty of goodness that passed between us. And if something doesn't feel good, either of us will say so. Instead of getting angry, distant, or defencive the response is simply "Ok, lets do it differently" I think this is possible because our love for each other is greater than our own egos. It also helps that I no longer need my partner to be anything other than her self. I think a lot of that has to do with my letting go. But more of it has to do with Annie being fantastic. Thank you Annie. I love you.

White Nice

In 2007 I bought my lady a new truck to replace the one I destroyed on the black ice. I didn't think I could afford much but I went to a police auction and got lucky. Very lucky. This truck is nicer than anything either of us ever thought we would ever own. It would be fiscally responsible to turn around and sell it. But as Annie's mother said, "You should own something really nice at least once in your life." And so here we are living the good life. And compared to the old truck, a very safe life. Apart from all the luxury features, this truck has four wheel drive, ABS, duel side airbags, and a heater that works.

You may ask why I bought a truck when a car is more economical. I took this picture to illustrate the need (I also like the profile of her legs). This photo is of Annie next to her tuck going through security to get into the underground loading bays of the World Financial Center. She is pulling in to load five of her pieces that had been on exhibit. I am mighty proud. I took a lot of satisfaction from watching people stopping in their tracks to get lost in her work. I took some pictures of the pieces them selves if you would like to see them click here. I was kind of limited by having to shoot through the bonnets so some of her older art is better seen at her website, annievarnot.com

Black Ice

Not so long ago I was traveling backwards in Annie’s truck on I-87 at 60 miles per hour. The picture above is of the truck before. I had been visiting my sister, her husband and their five adopted children up in Plattsburg. My oldest sister and her three youngest children were there as well. They will be there for a year to help out. The children are growing up so well. I could not be prouder of them or their parental grownups of which there are many.
We were all together for Thanksgiving including Annie and my third sister Michelle and her two kids. Everyone was standing around the piano singing with a child in their arms. Ok that doesn’t quite explain it. The room was filled with love and dancing and the kind of singing that requires no inhibition. It was unreal even by my standards. If you would like to see pictures of the weekend click here.
I’ll return to the backwards driving. It was in the wee hours of the morning. I was alone. It had been getting warmer all day. I was going south. I was going through the mountains. It was the gain in elevation that got me. The road was wet one moment and the next moment my back tires started drifting out in front of me. I corrected, and then the tires were drifting out in the opposite direction. I corrected again and again, oscillating wider and wider. Pretty soon I was bouncing between the guardrails like a ping pong ball. It was at this point, flying backwards on the highway I thought it might be over.
This is an exceptional place I think for anyone to be in. I did not see my life flash before my eyes. All I thought was, “Is this it? Have I learned enough?”
This response was surprising for me in a profound way. It implied a lot regarding how I understand my relationship with this world and my life.
After the truck stopped moving my mind was flooded with all of the things I was grateful for. I was in shock, felt nauseous and had trouble standing. I was standing near the truck looking over the wreck when the first car came by. The car stopped and I was invited in out of the cold and was kept at a safe distance from the truck until the police arrived. I assume I would have survived without this help but it is possible I could have died from shock. Even sitting in a warm car I was having a really hard time. I am enormously grateful for the kindness and patience of my fellow travelers.
The accident was a good lesson. I now know more about black ice. The importance of that knowledge was impressed upon me with out any permanent damage. I also discovered that I am not so much the intellectual cynical unbeliever I thought I was. It’s good to know what I’m working with.
Thank you.

Laughing All Over

My father has cancer now. It has started to double every six weeks. He told me his life is good except that he worries about his wife and what might happen to her in a year’s time. We talked about the nature of my work. Not the mechanical kinetic part that is the meat and potatoes of my practice but the other more esoteric part. I am reluctant to call it energy work because I don’t really understand it. I would like to think its effect is a mixture of what comes from yoga and meditation and maybe acupuncture. He was very interested and jumped at the chance to try it.

I had him lay down and made sure he was warm. I passed my hands over his body and found physical problems like a knee that was bothering him. I don’t know how that works with out touching and though a blanket but there it was. And I let it be. I put his chest between my hands front to back. There are a lot of ways to engage a body. There is pressure that matches the impedance of muscles; there is pressure that matches the impedance of viscera. You can similarly engage a body neurological or thermally. What I did with my father was none of these things. But I engaged and found in his chest hardness I had never felt before. I talked to my father about the importance of not judging the hardness. How this hardness had probably worked hard to protect him for most of his life. I helped honor this part of him and let it go. His chest softened. I worked on the rest of his body helping the loosening and opening.

When I was done my father told me he felt wonderful. That his body felt so happy it was like it was laughing all over.

The Good Fight

It is raining in central park. I am in central park. I am wrestling in central park. My face is in the grass. My hands are in the flesh of the beautiful dancer. My toes are in the mud digging.
Our hair and clothes are plastered to our bodies. I am on top. He is trying to throw me. He arches and twists. I resist using my head as a lever pushing off of the ground. This is the third time he has arched and this time my neck is not long enough and we roll over my head. He is on top.
My muddy feet are alive like badgers trying to find a way out. My toes lead my feet nosing at his leg looking for a path past it. They find and I push out pulling his leg straight and long away from his body. His arm is out to keep us form rolling. I grab his wrist and push breaking his friction lock with the ground. Rain is falling in my eyes. His arm is away from me. I try again and again. I palm his shoulders and push him towards my feet. It is not far but enough. His arm goes out and I catch it and pull. I am pulling so hard I feel the ribs of my chest bow out. His arm comes in. I arch hard and there is nothing to brace with. We go over. He kicks off with his top foot, the foot I am not pulling long. He is back on top.
An hour later and we are done. My body feels hot and torn. I feel so weak and sick from the exertion. It is delicious. I feel like a deer on the side of the road. Hit by a truck but still breathing. Covered in cold sweat and rain but still burning hot like a stove. There is some kind of magic that keeps us from breaking.
The rain has stopped and he is pulling blades of grass off of my face. The wind is blowing in the leaves and heavy drops of water are coming down. This man loves me.
I have always been jealous of the platonic affection women can express with each other. I have seen them hold hands, lean and even lay on each other. They can run their hands through each other's hair. I have seen it. I know it is not all the time or with everyone but it is real. I'm not talking about gay people, just loving and nurturing people. It is something I never had. Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed with a lot of female affection but it is not the same. It is not what I have been missing.
I feel like I have it now. This man loves me and touches in a comfortable and grounded way. It does not feel like he is feeling me up or trying to get into my shorts. It feels safe. It feels like healing. It feels good.
And then there is the wrestling. I feel my body, my muscles changing. This is good for me. I feel stronger. I feel open and honest. I feel alive and moving, clawing at the world before me like an animal running explosively through a forest. And in that moment of fight I don't have to protect him. I don't have to be nice to him. I don't have to hold back for fear of breaking his bones or bruising his feelings. And I get to use all of me, fight with everything I have pushing one hundred percent. And we laugh. And it feels safe and sane and healthy. I want this feeling for my every day honesty. I am working so hard to have this in my everyday life. This feels like good training. And yes it feels good.
Thank you god. Thank you my friend.

Something More

When I first started with massage people tried to teach me about energy. I remember putting my hands on another’s body and trying to feel what others could feel. I could not. Others could feel the energy in my own hands better than I could. Years of training and exercises followed and slowly awareness emerged of something more than raw anatomy. At first I could feel and think of it only as heat and then maybe some sort of bioelectrical current.

Other therapists were talking about bad energy, about taking on other people’s energy and becoming overwhelmed. Apparently many colleagues had to give up their work because they became contaminated with the negativity of others. At one workshop the teacher was explaining ways to prevent unwanted energy from entering the body while working. The teacher went on to suggest that some people were not bothered by the energy of their clients. The idea was put forward that some people used the perceived energy of their clients as a diagnostic tool.

Years later I have found that I often have some sort of physiological empathetic proprioception while working. I will sometimes feel sensations in my own body as I work that don’t fit with my history or understanding of my own body. I have come to ask my clients about their own bodies regarding the locations I feel bodily and it almost always lines up.

The other day I had a sensation that did not belong to me when I was not working. I was listening to a woman whom I had never met. I could not see her as she spoke. It took me a while to guess at what was happening. When I had a chance I asked the woman. She explained she had a condition that affected the side I was inquiring about. I asked about the specific location and she drew a line on her body illustrating perfectly the path of the sensations I had when she was speaking.

When I would have these sensations while working on my clients I always assumed it was how my subconscious mind was communicating subtleties. Little things like posture or skin temperature may have been adding up in the back of my mind to form details I could not consciously grasp but could feel in my own body. I have been told that when a person watches another person perform a physical activity the observer’s muscles fire in the same pattern as the observed but often below the threshold of self observation. I imagine what I experience is something like that.

When the woman was speaking I was feeling information about her body. I feel confident making that statement. What I am uncertain about is how I obtained it. Was all the information carried in her voice? Did I observe people observing her and some how ended up with accurate second hand information? Or is all the information for all people available to everyone and it is simply a matter of choosing to tune in to a particular person? Not that it matters, but I am curious. Perhaps it is the same curiosity and focus on the body over all these years that has led me to this path in the first place.

I am by no means a master of this understanding. It is not a trick I can pull out of my pocket at will. And yet it feels helpful at times. And if nothing else it is at least interesting. It seems there is more to life than I had ever guessed. Thank you. I love you my friend.

Start and End

I don’t have a boss. That’s pretty good. There is a woman I call my boss though she is really more of a landlord and colleague. I thought I had a pretty solid understanding with her but over the past several months I felt like I was getting more and more of a cold shoulder. I would ask her about it but I never got satisfaction. Finally I was able to sit her down for a solid hour. At the end of that hour I got a hug from her. It was a real hug. Later I got an email that said “I will always start....and 'end'...with I love you John.” That’s pretty good too. Ok it’s pretty amazing. I know I have only conveyed words but my understanding of the experience is something more. It is a promise to assume love in all interactions, most importantly in misunderstandings.

I honestly doubt that promise will be strictly held. But even just that someone would be genuine in making it is a beautiful thing. It is a complicated and imperfect story. I still feel grateful and humbled by it.

There is a slogan I have been told. It is “I would rather be happy than right.” I take this to mean that if you have what you want you may lose it by trying to satisfy your ego. During that hour long conversation I had a lot of points I wanted to bring up. When I realized I had everything there was to be gained I had to let go of everything else. I know that sounds obvious but I am just figuring it out. I have been told that the path to enlightenment is endless. I hope so. I have a lot to figure out along the way.

Thank you to all of my teachers. I love you.

Home

There is an old woman who sits in a chair on the sidewalk near the corner. She smiles at me every time I walk by. She asks fondly about my sister and her five new kids in their new home. She says I remind her of her priest.

Another woman works on the corner. She teases me and rolls her eyes at me. I find myself smiling and often laughing with her.

Half way down the block there is a garage where all the guys smile or wave when I ride by. They help me out and one of them spent several hours rebuilding my starter motor with me and would not take my money when we were done.

There is a man who works at the other corner. He greats me with “My Brother, how are you?” He gives me fruit. Every time I go in he tells me to take a fruit. Even when I am only buying an orange he tells me “And have and orange.”

These are not huge things. And there are moments in my life when I take them for granted. But regardless of how rushed or overwhelmed I might feel it is always better when I acknowledge the kindness of those around me. When I first came to this city I found it so hard that the mere gesture of another holding open a door for me was shockingly beautiful in contrast. It has gotten better. It feels like home now.
Thank you.

Worst Ever

Someone once asked if I have bad massage clients. My simple answer is no. I have had bad experiences giving massage though. Most of those sessions were not awful and in total make up much less than a percent of the work I do. I feel especially lucky about this. From what I understand this is not the case for every therapist.

Before I go on I want to be clear that I am not talking about bad massages I have given. I weigh those much more heavily because I can do more about them. I also count them differently. To be honest I can not count them very well at all. If someone has a bad experience I assume for the vast majority of the time they won’t bother to tell me about it. I have made educated guesses and assume that it is much more often bad for my clients than it is for me. In my defense I believe the frequency of this is still much less than one percent and gets smaller every year. I would be profoundly grateful for anyone who would speak up and tell me how I could have made it better. When I worked at Stone Spa I would ask the front desk to try to read the level of satisfaction in my clients when they checked out. I no longer have a system like that but it seems less of a problem as I have become more sensitive and all of my clients are hopefully some species of informed referrals.

The worst massage I ever had to endure giving was very early in my career. For a short time I worked at an awful spa. The owner was so determined to make as much money as possible that when a therapist called in sick she would make the cleaning staff work as massage staff. Clients would sometimes leave that place worse than when they entered. The owner was usually on site. To say that she was willful would be saying it kindly.

One day the owner took a client who requested a female therapist and talked her into working with me because there were no alternatives at that time. The woman came back to my massage room obviously upset. I asked her what had happened and she told me. I told her she didn’t have to have the massage, that the owner could badger people sometimes and that I would make sure she got her money back. It was a big gesture and might have involved me paying for the massage or even terminating my employment. What happened was worse.

She decided to have the massage. She may have been forced into the decision but had made the decision her own. And so I was trapped. The idea of refusing to work on her did not occur to me. Even now I’m not sure that would have been the best path. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not want to have a massage from a man. Some of them make me sick to think about. You can bet I was thinking about them during that massage. A massage is a very vulnerable thing and to feel unsafe or uncomfortable on any level is all wrong. I wanted to cry or throw up. I felt like I had become an unwilling party to violating this woman’s will if not her body. I talked her through every option, offering to just massage her hands or feet if it would make her feel more comfortable. She asked for a normal full massage. I don’t know if was being brave, stubborn, thrifty, or was just defeated. I could tell it was still a big deal for her. It was one of the worst hours of my life.

She relaxed, and was appreciative and seemed happy enough with me and my work when she left. I think she could tell that I was working hard to make it as right as I could for her. Later I told the owner if that happened again I wouldn’t be able to work there anymore.

There is a feel good here. It is not equal to how bad it was but it’s something. I acted in the best way I knew how. I am proud of that. And years latter I told this story to someone who I thought knew all about me, and it changed her understanding of me. The change was favorable and that has meant a lot to me.

I’m not sure what else to say. I wanted to talk about the bad because I have been talking so much about the good. I want there to be some balance and integrity even in this file designed only for things that make me feel good. I had noticed that three of the previous six posts had the word “good” in them. It seemed excessive. I love you my friend. Thank you.

Sharing is Good

The other day I had a massage therapist come in who has built a healthy medical practice for the past eleven years. As I was working she told me I made her want to go back to school and asked if I taught. If you don’t know what that feels like, let me tell you. It’s wonderful. She booked two hours for her sister so we could work on her together and I could teach her what I know. I was a little bit surprised that everything I do in one hour can not be learned in two. We focused on three moves, and then I just demonstrated the rest.

I got to share what I have discovered about body mechanics, how to line things up so you don’t get tired or hurt, and can deliver more pressure. I know it sounds dry but I am excited by such things. We talked about quality of touch and transition, how to shift hands so the client doesn’t feel your hand leave the body. Then there was palliative anatomy which has been a passion and my foundation for everything.

At one point, while demonstrating with both of my elbows and forearms doing their thing in our subject’s lower back I almost belly laughed out of happiness. It is true that I love my job more than most people enjoy their hobbies, but I rarely get to share that with anyone. I am sure that my clients are getting satisfaction from what I do and that they feel and appreciate my happiness but it is not the same. To bring someone back stage and share my beautiful tools and tricks pushes it over the top for me. I feel like I have found a secret trove of endless treasure and am as excited as on Christmas morning watching others unwrap something really good.

Even better, my colleague was still excited when we finished and booked another session. It is true one man’s treasure is another’s trash, and that some if not most people don’t care about all these inane things that fascinate me. That just makes me all the more ridiculously happy when everything does line up. To the god of this bountiful universe, thank you.

Ridiculously Good

I have been exclusively devoted to massage as a profession for over eight years now. I have been using first cold press 100% organic jojoba oil for about three years. It was just in the past year that I noticed jojoba has a smell. I was cracking open a fresh gallon of it and gave it a sniff to make sure nothing was amiss. In that moment I was struck by the smell and it made my mouth water. Since that moment whenever I consciously breathe in that aroma I am moved in a pleasurable way. The first time I tried a jojoba from a different farm it just made my heart race instead. Subsequently my mouth has watered almost every time.

I have been wondering about this reaction. Jojoba is supposedly eatable, at least for wildlife. I have tasted it and it is unremarkable at least for now but then again I thought it had no smell for years. I don’t think it is a hunger response. I think it is a Pavlovian response to my work. I love my job so much I actually salivate when I smell the oil I use to massage. If it was just the oil then I would have salivated the first two or three years when I was sniffing it. It took years to build the association.

I think it is a pretty sound argument. But if it is a Pavlovian response to giving a massage then why don’t I salivate during the massage? The truth is I might very well be salivating and just not be aware of it because I get so focused on my work. Additionally salivating is a parasympathetically driven neurological response and massaging is a sympathetic nervous system activity. And as every good student of anatomy knows the two systems are reciprocally inhibitive and so the act of massaging would suppress salivation.

And so it is a little embarrassing that I love massaging people so much it makes my mouth water. I’m not entirely sure what to think about that. The truth is I always feel better after I give a massage regardless of how I feel before. I find my work deeply satisfying and fulfilling on a physical, emotional, and intellectual level. It’s good living. Is the cumulative effect of years of this kind of work responsible for the association that makes my mouth water? It apparently is. Apparently my life is that good. Thank you.

Update

After having written this I started to pay attention to my mouth while I worked. Turns out I salivate all the time. I asked my mentor (while she was working on me) if she salivated while she worked and she said she had never thought of it but yes she was salivating at that very moment. I asked her if I should wear a shower cap and she laughed. She doesn’t know why that happens either. She seemed to think it was a physiological phenomenon as apposed to my psychological theory. It was comforting to hear that I’m not the only one. It makes me feel like less of a freak, or at the very least that if I am a freak I am not alone. And who knows maybe everyone does this and just never notices or talks about it. I will have to start asking other therapists.

Best Use of Life.

So the big news is my Sister adopted five children from the Bronx and moved to Plattsburg. The kids are from two family groups but from the same foster home and are to each other the only family they have. Barring any breakthrough in stem cell research it is highly unlikely that two of the boys will live past their mid thirties, maybe a third less than that. It won’t be a graceful decline either.

These small people have seen too much of life already and not enough of the world. No one knows all of what they have been though, though from what I can gather it is more than I can talk about. Even just what is obvious, that they were orphans; that they don’t know where their parents are and if they are safe or not, is an awful thing. The kids age from 10 to 4 and have every reason and right to be so angry and upset. They are not able to talk about and maybe do not even understand yet why they feel as they do. It is clear though that they are feeling something overwhelming and acting on it.

I went with them and two of my sisters to the Adirondacks to wait at the lodge until they could move into their new home. Dave had to finish the week of work and I was his stand in. The week was so unbelievably intense for me. No one believes how it was at the beginning. I would cry at night. I cry even now just thinking about it. Weeks later the kids are still adjusting to a positive discipline system and the idea that they are safe. It is a wild ride.

Additionally, my sister who was my best friend, teacher, and benefactor in so many ways over the past nine years has left. I’m just starting to feel that. People have asked me if she is equal to this. I believe she is. It is not that she is saving these kids, but she is making it better than it was. And her husband Dave is unbelievable. Normally it is the woman who is more devoted to the children. And the kids are responding quickly and positively. I could not be more proud of all of them. Thank you.

Paris

I just got back from Paris. I think this may be the first real vacation of my adult life. I don't have anything profound to say about it. I will say that if you do go there, pray that it does not rain every single day of your vacation. That being said I did get to see a rainbow over the River Siene while kissing the woman I love. If you would like to see me kissing the woman I love with a rainbow and the River Siene then please take a look at my photos. http://picasaweb.google.com/johnellsworth/Paris2008 I don't deserve this but am enormously grateful. Thank you.

Beautiful People

I spent Christmas at Annie's ancestral home. These are pictures of Annie and her parents from the trip. Annie makes art. Her mother makes honey. Her father makes pies. I really like these people. I think they are beautiful and that their lives are enviable. I feel that I am improved for being in their company. I have for a long time fantasized about living in the woods, chopping wood and carrying water. I tend to make my life more complicated, weighing everything down with unnecessary significance and do not feel happier for it. Maybe that is why I like the meditative nature of my work so much. Almost everything else I do in the city seems like distraction. There is a Zen saying, "Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water". The wood and the water are not the magical components to better living, it's how you perceive and react to your life. I think Annie is good for me. She is smart, sexy, creative, caring, and open. Most significantly I find myself not enticed to complicate my life in her company.
Last night I was in a room where someone shared a saying, "Don't just do something. Sit there!" I know I can warm a bench very well, but it is not reacting or distracting I want to integrate more. I feel the universe or god or fate supporting me in this endeavor. All the beautiful people in my life are like angels helping me cultivate my happiness and peace.
Thank you so very much.

It is so Good

Around nine years ago I was introduced to a form of dance called Contact Improv (CI). The dance has many manifestations but where I studied it was mostly about listening. There is often no music during the dance so that you are not distracted from your partner. I learned a lot from practicing this form of movement with others who were from the same school. After a semester of training I was invited to attend a weekly jam. A yoga studio had given a key to the CI community and every Thursday night people would gather and dance on this cozy out of the way floor. I would be stretching and warming up and I would become aware of another person moving in relation to me. They would not exactly mirror me but it was clear that they were dancing to my movement. If I was ready I would start reciprocating and if I wasn't the dancer would move on into their own space or into another's. If we fell into step, or into the space left by the other's pause we would often dance together for a considerable amount of time.
If at any point there was physical contact a commitment was made to maintain that contact. Lets say I touched someone's hand with my ribs. They would not pull away from my ribs nor I from their hand. If they moved I would follow them, and if I moved they would follow me. The point of contact was not locked, my partners arm could roll along shifting from the hand to the wrist all the way up to a shoulder, or perhaps it was I who was rolling my ribs up the others limb. It was often imposable to tell. The end result would often have the two of us shifting our weight from our own feet to the others body and back doing rolls and lifts, diving to the floor or spiraling up onto each others torsos.
There were few rules but one of them was that you could not forcibly lift or climb up your partner. Vertical travel happened fluidly by giving and taking weight and rolling the point of contact. One night I found my self effortlessly floating up to the shoulders of a small older woman as she spun around the room, only to come back down rolling off of her body from her hips and her body followed mine effectively lifting her back up into the air as I found my own weight with my feet. It was an amazing sensation like flying and cuddling and getting a massage and reverse wrestling all at once.
One night I was on someones back with my eyes closed and my arms and feet up in the air. In this one moment I felt something else take over, or rather I felt my self surrender to the moment, moving without thinking but feeling my body respond to the possibilities. It was such a wild and pleasant sensation that it has inspired many facets of my life.
When I moved to New York and studied to become a massage therapist I decided that I wanted my work to incorporate the fluid grace and peaceful resonance of my dance experience. It proved to be a profitable goal as I enjoyed my work in ways and to a degree as few others seemed to. 99% of the time I felt better after work than before no mater how I felt going in. It was wonderful and I was thanking my lucky stars to get to do what I did but it ever quite equaled the experience of the dance.
Just in this past year I have finally crossed that line. It was on a sunny afternoon with a man who I had been working with for almost two hours every week. We had established a surplus of trust and mutual appreciation that allowed me more freedom to exceed my analytical, anatomical training. It was not exactly like the dance because massage is a one way touch only where dance is more give and take. And yet as I was working, hooking the neck in the crook of my arm, rolling the head.... at this point to describe what was happening to my satisfaction would take paragraphs to cover seconds and would involve a lot of anatomy and movement notation. Please just trust me that some how there was a smooth deeply connected transition from one side of the body to the other that left me out on the end of my clients arm like a bird on a string with that same surrender to the moment following the possibility of the movement. And it felt just as good to me as that transcendental moment from almost a decade ago.
And from that moment forward my work has in some ways and times surpassed my wildest goals. And it seems more often than not my clients are happy with my work as well.
Thank you.

Blow

The other day a client noticed a scar on my forehead and asked me where I got it. I said from a blowtorch. She nodded approvingly and said "I figured with you it had to be something like that." There are a lot of aspects I could focus on regarding my skin being pulled off my head by the searing brass. Firstly, it was a completely avoidable accident and I have no one and nothing to blame but myself. Secondly, the demonstration I was performing was well received in spite of the burn. Finally, and this may be a bit of a reach, I feel like there is some species of integrity demonstrated by my client not being surprised. This is the feel good I want to take forward from the experience. I like that I am the same person in front of all people. I see people who I imagine wear a mask of professionalism or coolness to fit an occasion and I understand. I am just so happy that I have been blessed with the kind of life where I don't have to pretend. Thank you.

Annie Varnot

This is a picture of Annie Varnot. She is my lady. This is my favorite picture of her. I don't like this image because of it's quality or because it is flattering. It is actually pretty miserable on both counts. I like it because it is endearing. It shows the genuine openness in such quantity and quality as to make Annie exceptional. Annie is real in real time. She is honest and kind and capable.
All of my life I have sought out relationships founded in a codependent dynamic. Even when I was lucky enough to find someone healthy I would try subconsciously to bring out the codependency. One time I asked Annie why she treats me so well. Her reply was, "You don't let me treat you bad." This was a victory for me. In the past I would try to make the other person happy or solve their problems in the hopes that they would some how reciprocate and take care of me. I know that sounds wrong and even imposable. How could I know what someone else considers a problem or how (sometimes even if) they would like to make it better. And how could they possibly know what I want? It is so much better to just ask directly for what I need and give only what feels good to give and not what I think will in the end result in someone taking care of me. Now I take care of myself first get to enjoy Annie as she is.
Like I said, Annie is real and in real time. It may sound simple but for me it is a feat. I am proud of Annie's career, her art, her practice, her strength, and endurance. But most of all I love her real time honesty. Her bounteous overflowing compassionate heart isn't bad either. Most importantly I love that I have progressed enough to appreciate her. I feel lucky. Thank you.

Easy

Last night I was massaging a couple. I have been working with them for almost a year now. I was working on the husband and it seemed at first mechanical. It was a strange feeling for me. I was detached from the situation my body pushing through the motions. It was not bad but my mind was searching for a focus. And then I considered the divinity of the person in front of me. Suddenly the situation became rich and wonderful. I felt an energetic depth to the body I was working on and my mind fell deeply into the labyrinth of muscles and fibers. I was also in awe of the human goodness radiating from this person.
I have had days where I was more or less aware of the fullness of people but it never shifted so suddenly or dramatically for me. My work, life, everything is much more rich and delicious when I am paying attention to that boundless light which permeates everything. It is good but there is more.
This couple I have been working with have a daughter who recently turned three. She had been asking and asking if she could have a massage. Last night her mother helped her up onto the table for the first time. Her muscles were so small and fine it felt like when I work with my neighbor's cat. The mother and I both thought that she would become restless and jump off the table after a minute or two. Minutes came and went before the mother asked her how she felt. The answer I am afraid is beyond my ability to describe. I will do my best and hope you can imagine the reality. Ok so it was not so complicated. She simply said "It feels good." The important part that is hard to convey is how she said it. I was expecting her to play along and pretend to like it because it's fun to be like a grownup. The tone of her voice was instead most genuine and heart felt. It resonated from her small form and was reflected in her mother's face. I wish I could effect that depth of sincerity in my voice or better yet feel it in my spine. I do not desire to be younger and especially not that young. But there is a capacity for unclouded feeling and raw expression that I think is lost with time. I feel lucky enough to witness it.
I am grateful to the people I get to work with who make it so easy for me to see their inner divinity. It makes everything better. Thank you.

Cancer

So it seems like I have saved someone’s life because I discovered cancer in them just before it spread to other parts of the body. And then two weeks later I discovered cancer in someone when it was already too late.
There is a lot of anger and sadness and unfairness around cancer.
I do not want to say too much more in the interest of protecting the anonymity of my friends.
I will say that I myself have been humbled by the beauty of the human spirit in even the worst of conditions.
Thank you.

Reccommendation

I am in the process of moving to a new apartment. This is a complicated process involving an application package that includes everything short of a rectal exam. It was not as much fun as I had hoped. The good news is I got to see a letter of recommendation that feels great. This is the sort of thing that would have found its way into my original feel good file. Thank you my friend.

To Whom it May Concern

I have had the great pleasure of knowing John Ellsworth since 1996, when I was first introduced to him by his sister, my friend, Ann Ellsworth. Since then we have enjoyed a close friendship of our own.

John consistently exhibits the qualities of a good-natured, respectful, conscientious, and compassionate human being. Over the years, I have seen John successfully establish himself in his education, training, and career as a massage therapist. It is a profession that he pursues with enjoyment, providing care to others in the very nature of his work.

As a shareholder in our co-op in Washington Heights, he has been a well-liked neighbor to his fellow residents. John has also been willing to take on responsibilities as Board President during some of the most transitional years that our co-op has experienced. As I have served on the Board with him as Vice President, I have recognized his ability to make important decisions, to lead with calm and confidence, and to be available during the extra hours that his office demands. He has led our Board through two demanding terms, when crucial decisions for the structure and financing of major improvements had to be made. In addition to this, his knowledge of the physical attributes of our building has been indispensable as we have instigated capital improvements and solved other issues that had previously compromised the quality of life for our residents.

I know John is eager to begin residency in your building, and I highly recommend him to be a shareholder in your co-op.